Spitballing: continued.

......and then someone suggested we go out for drinks.  "Absolutely not" I thought.  I wanted to go to continue the fellowship but the idea that with one look, one glance, any one and everyone whose gaze might fall upon me would instantly know what I am was to much to bear.  My friends tried to talk me into going and for a moment I wavered, but then the question of which bathroom I would use flashed into my mind and I shrank before its spectre.  There were hugs and sad smiles of understanding and a few tears on my part and then I was alone in the silent gloaming.  And that's when I decided it was over.  Failed again.  I would retreat into the shadows of my former life.  Myself only at home.  I had not the courage of my convictions.