Davita Minton
Cosa Nostra
There was this thing she did, or felt rather, for it wasn't by choice. She was convinced beyond doubt that when it happened it was unconscious and spontaneous. And without fail every time it happened she was left with the strangest sort of confusing and conflicting feelings of frustration.
Conflicting feelings and proclivities were nothing new to her, however. For instance, she yearned for intimacy with women yet there were few women she felt attracted to. On the other hand, she loathed the idea of intimacy with men yet there were few men she would not have sex with. She feared men greatly but often sought their company. She wanted a women in her life yet she rarely sought their company.
Why it is she only recently became aware of 'this thing' she did not know. Yet she was sure she had been experiencing it for many years. One day, not more than a year ago, when in the midst of an actual episode of 'this thing' an epiphanal revelation that perfectly explained her behavior at that moment simply appeared, as if of its own volition. She also did not know the exact circumstances; date, time and place, of the initial epiphany, as it was her wont, generally, to need to experience something like this multiple times before it became common knowledge and immediately recognizable. However, there was one thing she felt she could be all but certain of. Considering her history, it was, most likely a woman; an attractive woman, that inspired the long innurred reaction which in turn generated the revelation.
A more recent episode of only a few months ago, on a warm fall day at the beach, which was most memorable, consisting of all the classic signs and symptoms and occurring with such visceral power, was one that she considered to be the single most important iteration of the epiphany in the evolution of its eventual canonization.
She was wearing her favorite short shorts and an ephemeral form-fitting, sleeveless, vest-like blouse with a white floppy beach hat and sunglasses. She had been there a while and had taken all the pictures she wanted when she spyed the silhoette of a person aproaching from way down the beach to the east. ''Oh well. Its time to go anyway.'' She thought. And without haste she calmly prepared for the walk back. Within a minute or so she had donned her protective clothing; mens swimwear and a ballcap, and doffed the blouse, beach hat and sunglasses concealing them neatly in her day-pack. And with water bottle in hand and earbuds in place she non-chalantly set out down the beach towards the aproaching silhoette.
''Its a woman. Alone.'' She concluded after a short while. ''Shes in a bikini too. OMG!'' And with each step thereafter she noticed more and more details. ''Long free flowing blond hair. Tall and thin. Tanned. And mature.'' And when the woman was within ten feet and she could fully apreciate her facial features and her fine smooth flesh and her classic proportions the reflexive desire to have her, to touch her, to hold her, to be one with her exploded through her mind. But then, in a matter of mere seconds as she quickly turned to view the womans posterior and legs and feet and arch of her back and shoulders and arms and hair there came the familiar yearning that somehow was more acheingly powerful than the desire to have her. And she thought; ''Thats exactly what it is. I want to be her. Oh god how it hurts. How could I want both? I could understand one or the other but both? What am I?'' And as she walked on, alone, she looked down at herself and hated what she saw. She wanted to be that person she was a few moments ago before she saw the silhoette. Free and wonderful and liking what she saw. Part by part she began to compare herself to the other her. But then the dueling, conflicting desires flooded back in. ''I WANT THAT PUSSY! But I also want that pussy. I WANT THAT ASS! But I also want that ass. I WANT THOSE LEGS AND BREASTS AND THAT BELLY AND NECK AND FACE AND HAIR AND ARMS AND HANDS AND FEET! But I also want.....'' She sat and hung her head.
''What is 'this thing' I do? Why do I do it? And knowing only makes it worse. Now every time I see someone like that I'm going to do this. It's like there are two of me. And I have to live with this thing. This thing we have.''
THE END
